“To whom it may concern” is an oddly formal way to start a letter isn’t it?

Recently I tapped out those words to a stranger about a friend who’d asked me to be a referee on a real estate application. I would never say those words out loud. So writing them felt like a throw back to another era. Ahem, allow me to adjust my top hat and ramp up my British accent.

It took me a while to decide if each word should be capitalised. I also felt like I needed a typewriter to accompany the formality. Somehow it also seemed slightly aggressive. To whom indeed. I’m not sure of a better way to start a letter to a nameless entity in reference, complaint or inquiry.

Hiya – too happy.
Hey – bit casual.
G’day – jingoistic.
Greetings – aliens.
Wassup – too much America.
Hello… reminds me of Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs. Or Adele.

Am I overthinking this? You betcha.

Dear and dearest don’t even seem quite right anymore. Except to older relatives. And then it’s sweet. But our modern salutations have leapt from super formal to ultra casual. My sons greet their friends via message by writing SUP. To which the friend writes back SUP. Short for what’s up with you – how are you – sick. Meaning healthy. You follow?

I can’t use SUP and don’t want to use whom. I’m stuck in literary purgatory.

There’s a lot of online chat right now about how to appropriately sign off messages. Especially in work emails. None of them are right.

Cheers – we’re not at the pub.
Best, kind or or just plain regards – wrong.
Warmly – what?
Best wishes – is there cake?
Love – only to family or occasionally accidentally to colleagues which is kind of fun.

I do remember writing Yours Faithfully or Yours Sincerely often when I was a kid. I can’t remember who I was writing letters to but I was certainly very formal about it. Perhaps because it matched my handwritten and definitely capitalised To Whom It May Concern.

The sign off presents a tone issue as the final flourish of your message. Whether it’s a letter or an email, I still don’t think we have the emotional intent right. Even gratitude can be tricky.

Ta – ta-ta!
Thanks – casually presumptuous.
Many thanks – how many?
Thank you – meh.
Thanks in advance – HR complaint incoming.

One of my favourite websites is called Letters of Note and recently Shaun Usher, the curator of letters asked Chat GPT to come up with some alternative letter sign-offs…

With a gentle nod.
Ever amicable.
Whimsically yours.
Soaring on the same breeze.
With a dash of panache.

I don’t mind them. If you want to step up your sign off style, you could try…

Unicorns and rainbows.
In caffeinated camaraderie.
Sauntering towards success.
Dreaming of flying pigs.
Cat meme enthusiast.

I love these and think we should all use them liberally to shake up the monotony of modern communication. Truth in greetings. Ambition or apathy front and centre. Honesty for all!

Currently I have 27,347 unread emails in my personal inbox and at least double that at work. Emails have become junk mail and I think if we step up our salutation game, we might all get read more. And those cheerios don’t have to be cheery.

If you do want to sign off with fury, here are some suggestions. Choose carefully.

Fuming with vexation.
With seething resentment.
In scorching disdain.
With clenched fists.
Boiling with anger.
Enraged and appalled.
With a volcanic temper.
Indignant and unyielding.
Absolutely livid.
Angrily unsatisfied.
With a venomous quill.

I love that last one the most. Perhaps I am not totally beyond a cursive curse.

From now on I’ll start my correspondence with unabashed flair and end with truth.

Yours deliciously and occasionally furiously,
Doesn’t like sweating,
Loves love,
Often sleepy but generally happy,
Whilst worried about the world and always available for champagne,